If you’ve ever used fear or force to maintain control in a relationship, I want you to look at Jesus. Psalm 11 says that the Lord hates those who love violence, a blunt fact that I hope leads you to repent and cry out to God for forgiveness.

Because there’s hope even for abusive people. The apostle Paul is the proof. “Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 1:13,14). Paul was, by his own admission, a violent man, yet when God opened his eyes to the depth of his sin, Paul found mercy, grace, and love through Jesus.

God wants to open your eyes to see his mercy, grace, and love. Jesus forgave your sins of abuse. After being slapped and spit on, mocked and nailed to a cross, Jesus cried out, “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34). He still says that, and every sinner who is truly sorry receives that. Abuse is ugly, but Jesus took that ugliness to the cross. When you look at Jesus, when you change your mind about who is in control, God stops hating you and starts calling you his own dear child. So look at Jesus. With me, with us, look at Jesus. There will still be consequences, but when you look at Jesus, there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1).