I like people 10,000% better when they are honest with me.
There’s something unapproachable about seemingly perfect people but something magnetic about openly complicated people. I’m not minimizing sin; I’m saying I feel closer to fellow sinners who have opened up about their sins.
But how can you be the kind of person who makes it easier for others to be honest with you? How can you become “confessable”? Let’s discuss three habits.
The Gift of Going First
It takes courage to bring up an embarrassing sin that has yet to be mentioned in the conversation. But this is where going first is a soul-saving gift. When you’re honest about your sins, it makes it easier for others to be honest about theirs.
Two men recently reached out to me and confessed to a struggle with personal purity, explaining, “I know that you get it.” My bold confession about the same sin gave them the courage to make theirs. They knew I’d be a safe place to turn.
Once you put your relationships over your reputation and choose the path of candid confession, you become a safer person.
When you bring all of yourself, even the messiest parts, God’s people respond with God’s grace. Even if they don’t struggle with the exact same issue, the fact you’re willing to bring it up will be profound.
Parents, this is a huge deal! From our kids’ perspectives, “Mom has never been through that,” and “Dad would never understand that.”
But going first can change that. “I remember when I started high school, and I was so terrified about fitting in. One time, I even _________. I still feel that pressure to fit in.”
I’m not guaranteeing your sophomore son will whip out his phone to take notes, but he’s learning that his dad would understand. Maybe his confession won’t come today, but someday, when his secret is killing him, he’ll know whom to go to.
Longtime Christians, this is a huge deal! New believers assume you have been a weekly attending, joyfully tithing, can-flip-to-the-book-of-Haggai-in-under-three-seconds follower of Jesus since day one. They don’t know you were, and sometimes still are, a misprioritizing, worried-about-money, messy Christian.
Bust their assumptions, and be the first to own your sins. When the person whom everyone assumes is the most spiritual in the room volunteers a confession, great things happen.
The “Us Assumption”
A second way to become more confessable is by remembering what I call the “us assumption”—whatever you’re talking about applies to “us” and not just them. No matter the issue, jump to the conclusion that it tempts us, affects us, and exists among us.
Why? Because that assumption will soften the edges of your words. Maybe you haven’t battled that particular sin, but someone nearby has, and their battle wasn’t over after a single prayer.
When you assume that every sin affects “us,” you speak with more caution and compassion.
You don’t water down the truth, but you do speak the truth with more love. And your level of love will be noticed by those of “us” who are in the ring with that temptation. We’re listening, evaluating, and figuring out this is a safe place.
This assumption was key when I preached a four-week series at our church called Gay & God: Loving Everyone God Made and Everything God Wrote.
One of the more challenging parts of that series was that I’ve never felt an attraction to other men. That reality tested my empathy, so I needed to practice the “us assumption.” Even if this wasn’t me, this was us.
By noticing the faces in the congregation who had shared their sexual orientations with me and assuming many others were in the same boat, God helped me speak with more compassion. The Holy Spirit allowed me to feel the difficulty of denying those desires for the sake of loving God.
Assume the same, and you’ll keep compassion in the room, which might open the door to an honest confession.
Preemptive Preaching
A third way to become more confessable is through preemptive preaching—Say something now that makes it easier for others to “say the same thing” soon. Before the devil convinces them you would judge them, hate them, and run away from them, you tell them you wouldn’t.
I love doing this as a small group leader when a dozen relative strangers are trying to figure out what and what not to say. Preemptive preaching sounds like this:
“I really want to get to know and pray for the real you. But I’m guessing the real you is a bit complicated, which might make you nervous to be real in this room. Whatever it is and whatever you did, Jesus died to save you from it. And now we’re here to help you through it. So if you’ve been through a divorce, an abortion, an addiction, spent some time in prison; if you struggle with alcohol or pills or pornography or eating when you’re emotional; if your marriage is stuck; if you feel totally lost; whatever it is, you can say it here. When you find the courage to be honest, we will remind you of Jesus and his forgiveness. And then we will pray for you and do what we can to help you through it. Sound good?”
Notice the spiritual psychology of preemptive preaching? Before people can assume, “I could never bring up __________ here,” you blow up that assumption. You put the awkward, “taboo” stuff on the table and explicitly say, “You can talk about that and still be loved.”
Confessions Create Community
What if, in our me/myself/I/my truth culture, we Christians created little islands of honest confession and cross-centered absolution? What if we were the first in line not to point a finger at a fellow sinner but to confess our sins and admit our deep need for Jesus to rescue us? What could happen if confession were the rule instead of the exception?
I’ve seen glimpses of such things, and they are life-giving.
Excerpt taken from How to Talk Taboo: A Christian Guide to Honest Confession and Brave Confrontation by Mike Novotny (© 2025 Time of Grace Ministry).
