A friend admits there is someone else.
Perhaps the confession comes with tears. Perhaps it comes with excuses. Perhaps the friend seems relieved to have found someone who might understand why this relationship feels different.
For the person listening, the questions begin immediately.
Should they confront their friend? Tell the spouse? Keep the confidence? What does loyalty look like when someone they love is hurting someone else?
In Taboo, Pastor Mike Novotny acknowledges how difficult these situations can be:
“One of the hardest times to be a good friend is when adultery happens by or to someone you love.”
His guidance centers on grace and truth—for the person who betrayed the marriage and the person who was betrayed. The book is available as a thank-you gift for a donation to Time of Grace.
A Christian who knows a friend is having an affair should speak honestly, refuse to help conceal the deception, encourage repentance and appropriate support, and care for the betrayed spouse. A repentant friend also needs the clear promise of Christ’s forgiveness.
That is difficult work. Faithful friendship makes room for it.
Should a Christian confront a friend who is cheating?
When someone knows their friend is having an affair, love gives them a reason to speak.
First, distinguish knowledge from suspicion. A rumor, an uneasy feeling, and a direct confession are different things. Ask honest questions rather than repeating accusations that cannot be supported.
When there is actual sin to address, Jesus teaches his followers to begin with a private conversation:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”
—Matthew 18:15, NIV
That approach protects the person from unnecessary exposure while addressing what is wrong. The first step is not a group-chat announcement or a request for everyone’s opinion.
But privacy should not become an excuse for silence.
Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation can leave a friend comfortable in choices that are harming their spouse and endangering their spiritual life.
The conversation can be simple and direct. Express care for the friend. Name the affair as wrong. Encourage them to end it and seek help. Offer support for taking those steps.
A perfect speech is unnecessary. Honesty and humility matter.
For more encouragement about speaking difficult truths, read Confronting with love: What does that look like?.
What if the friend says the marriage was already unhappy?
There may be real pain in the marriage. Years of conflict, loneliness, neglect, or unresolved hurt deserve serious attention.
They do not make adultery right.
God’s command is clear:
“You shall not commit adultery.”
—Exodus 20:14, NIV
Another person’s failures do not remove someone’s responsibility to obey God. An unhappy marriage is a reason to seek help, not permission to begin another romantic or sexual relationship.
That distinction can become difficult when a friend tells a convincing story. The listener may have witnessed the arguments or heard about the loneliness. They may even dislike the spouse.
But friendship should not become assistance in building a case for an affair.
A Christian can acknowledge the pain while remaining clear about the sin. The marriage’s problems need attention, and the affair needs to end.
If abuse is present, protection and qualified help are necessary. Ending an affair does not require returning to an unsafe situation. The affair cannot become the answer to that situation.
Taking suffering seriously does not require calling disobedience good.
What should a friend encourage the person to do?
Begin with ending the affair.
Keeping the relationship available while deciding whether the marriage can improve continues the betrayal. Feeling guilty while maintaining secret contact is not the same as turning away from the sin.
Repentance involves sorrow over sin and trust in Christ’s forgiveness. It bears fruit in a changed direction.
That includes ending romantic and sexual contact and stopping secret communication. Where work or other circumstances create unavoidable contact, the person needs help establishing boundaries and considering necessary changes.
Encourage truthful confession and appropriate support.
A faithful pastor can apply God’s Word, address repentance and forgiveness, and help the person think through next steps. Qualified counseling may also be valuable for those affected.
Offer practical help with following through. Sit with the friend while they arrange a conversation with their pastor. Ask what steps have actually been taken.
No friend can repent for another person. But a faithful friend can encourage action when good intentions remain vague.
Should a Christian keep an affair secret?
Refusing to gossip is different from agreeing to conceal ongoing deception.
Scripture says:
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”
—Proverbs 11:13, NIV
Private information should not become entertainment, an opportunity to recruit allies, or a prayer request shared with people who have no legitimate reason to know.
But trustworthiness does not require participating in a lie.
Do not become an alibi. Do not lie about where someone was, help arrange meetings, or reassure a spouse with something known to be false.
Encourage the person having the affair to tell their spouse promptly and honestly, with appropriate guidance about how to do so. If they refuse and continue the deception, seek confidential pastoral counsel about the responsibility to the betrayed spouse.
A promise of secrecy should not become an indefinite arrangement that allows the betrayal to continue.
Share necessary information with people who have an appropriate role in addressing the situation. Where threats or abuse are involved, seek qualified safety guidance before arranging a confrontation or disclosure.
The purpose is to address sin and protect people, not to satisfy anger through public exposure.
What if the friend refuses to stop the affair?
Continued refusal requires continued honesty.
Grace does not mean God approves of whatever a person has decided to do. God’s law names adultery as sin, and persisting in it without repentance is spiritually dangerous.
Someone defending an ongoing affair needs that warning. Reassurance that their choices have no bearing on their relationship with God would not be loving.
Pastor Mike writes:
“And you can hate adultery but still love an adulterer.”
That love may include clear boundaries. A Christian can remain willing to help someone end an affair while refusing to celebrate the relationship, lie for them, or facilitate further deception.
Matthew 18 also shows that a private conversation is not always the final step. If a professing Christian refuses to listen, appropriate involvement from mature Christians and church leadership may be necessary.
Throughout that process, humility matters:
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”
—Galatians 6:1, NIV
The aim is repentance and restoration. The person confronting sin also needs the Savior’s forgiveness and protection from temptation.
The friend may become angry or pull away. Their response cannot be controlled. Faithful friendship can remain truthful, prayerful, and ready to help them turn back.
How can someone help a repentant friend?
A repentant friend needs the truth about Jesus as clearly as they needed the truth about their sin.
In Taboo, Pastor Mike describes a married man who crossed emotional and physical boundaries with another woman. The man was deeply sorry, but his shame made it difficult to see Christ’s forgiveness, especially as the consequences became clearer.
Pastor Mike promised him:
“For the next month, I will text you a passage about God’s grace every day, about forgiveness for all sin, for your sin.”
He followed through, and the man said it helped.
That encouragement directs a guilty person toward the Savior who paid for the sin:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
—1 John 1:9, NIV
Jesus lived without sin, died for the sins of the world, and rose from the dead. Through faith in him, people who have betrayed their spouses receive forgiveness as God’s gift.
They do not earn it by crying enough, attending enough counseling sessions, or successfully restoring the marriage.
But forgiveness does not remove responsibility.
A repentant person needs encouragement to tell the truth, accept consequences, respect boundaries, and care about those who were harmed. Those actions are fruits of repentance, not payments for salvation.
The article on the buddy system offers more about Christian honesty and accountability.
What about the spouse who was cheated on?
Care for the person who committed adultery should not eclipse care for the person betrayed.
The injured spouse may be experiencing grief, anger, confusion, and questions they never expected to ask. They may wonder whether they were inadequate or whether anything in the relationship was real.
They need patient care.
Scripture gives a simple instruction:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
—Romans 12:15, NIV
Pastor Mike writes:
“You don’t need to be a professional, just be present.”
Presence can mean listening over coffee, bringing a meal, helping with children, or checking in after the first wave of concern has passed.
It also includes speaking God’s promises. For a Christian, a spouse’s betrayal does not erase their identity as God’s beloved child. Another person’s unfaithfulness does not establish their worth or determine whether Christ loves them.
Be clear about responsibility too. A marriage may have problems both spouses need to address, but responsibility for the affair belongs to the person who committed it.
The betrayed spouse did not cause someone else’s adultery.
Their grief also should not be rushed. A conversation about forgiveness does not make trust immediately return.
For more on that distinction, read Am I expected to just forgive and forget?.
Does forgiveness mean the marriage must immediately return to normal?
No. Forgiveness, restored trust, and reconciliation are related, but they are not identical.
A betrayed spouse may need truthful answers, consistent behavior, appropriate boundaries, and considerable time. An apology does not require them to pretend they feel confident or safe.
Pastor Mike emphasizes the importance of the unfaithful spouse taking responsibility for the consequences of their actions. That includes the pain that remains after the affair has ended.
He writes:
“You-first matters more than ever after adultery.”
That principle calls the repentant person to consider their spouse’s needs rather than demand a quick end to uncomfortable conversations.
The unfaithful spouse may be tired of discussing the affair. The betrayed spouse may still be trying to understand what happened. Love listens and accepts responsibility.
Jesus also addresses the seriousness of marital unfaithfulness:
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
—Matthew 19:9, NIV
Scripture recognizes two situations in which an innocent spouse may divorce: sexual unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:9) and desertion (1 Corinthians 7:15). Pastor Mike addresses both in Taboo.. Divorce is not mandatory, but friends should not pressure the betrayed spouse to preserve the appearance of a restored marriage.
Encourage wise pastoral care and honest work toward healing. Do not guarantee that reconciliation will happen.
How long should a friend keep helping?
Healing may require support long after the first difficult conversation.
Pastor Mike describes friendship after adultery as a marathon. The shock does not necessarily end when the truth becomes known. Questions may return. Certain dates or circumstances may bring fresh pain.
Faithful friendship makes room for that without pretending one person can meet every need.
Pastor Mike acknowledges the limits:
“You’re not God, and you’re not a 24/7 counselor who has no life besides being a friend to this one person.”
Encourage appropriate support from pastors, qualified counselors, and other trustworthy people. Maintain healthy boundaries while remaining dependable.
A friend may need someone to listen again, help with an ordinary task, or share a promise of forgiveness when shame returns.
Scripture calls Christians to ongoing care:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
—Galatians 6:2, NIV
That is part of why Christians need one another.
Be a friend who brings grace and truth
Knowing about an affair creates difficult responsibilities. Silence may feel easier. Taking sides may feel simpler.
Pastor Mike’s teaching calls Christians toward faithful care for both the betrayer and the betrayed, while remaining clear about who committed the adultery.
Speak honestly. Refuse to help conceal deception. Encourage repentance and appropriate support. Remember the person whose trust was broken.
And when a friend turns back in sorrow, make the forgiveness of Jesus clear.
Christ’s sacrifice is sufficient for sins this serious. His grace gives repentant believers both comfort and a reason to live differently.
No friend can undo the betrayal or guarantee what happens next. But a Christian can remain present with God’s Word, helping people face the truth and hear the promises of their Savior.
For more biblical guidance on difficult questions about relationships, faith, and everyday life, make a donation to Time of Grace and receive Pastor Mike Novotny’s Taboo as a thank-you gift.
