Fighting Fair: The Newlyweds’ Guide to Conflict in Marriage

By Pastor Mike Novotny

Couples who never fight are as rare as snow in South Texas, so please know you are normal if you’ve just had your first fight.

Good News: Every conflict is a chance to make your marriage even better, to learn about each other, and to get another step closer to mutually agreed-upon expectations.

Bad News: Without the right approach, conflict can kill you.

The Bible warns: “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell” (James 3:6).

I’ve witnessed couples who torch their marriage with their fiery words, microaggressions, and cheap shots, which provoke anger and erase connection. These can devolve into bitterness and silence, two signs that emotional intimacy is on life support.

Let’s choose a better way, where conflict leads to an even stronger marriage.

Ten Commandments of Communication in Marriage

You shall not try to “win.”

If your goal is to win an argument, you will lose. Every time. James explains: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight” (James 4:1–2).

The savage desire to be right will lead you into all kinds of wrongs. Instead, let your mutual goal be to speak the truth in love.

You shall repeat your spouse’s point.

You don’t have to agree with it. You aren’t committing to any major changes just yet. You’re just trying to prove that you understand what your beloved is saying and feeling.

“I hear you saying that you’re feeling frustrated because I often come home later than I promise and that makes you assume I care about work more than you. Is that right?” You will be shocked at (1) how hard this is to do in the heat of the moment and (2) how powerful it is when your spouse feels understood.

You shall not interrupt.

If you find yourself in “win mode,” you will be very tempted to interrupt. When your spouse is talking, you might feel like you’re losing. You’ll want to fight back and justify your actions.

In those moments, you must, as James demands, “resist the devil,” and not interrupt (James 4:7). Remember, the point is to understand each other, not dismiss each other’s feelings.

You shall stick to the subject.

Like a batch of spaghetti noodles in a strainer, there are dozens of issues that stick together. Restrain yourself and deal with one thing at a time. If you don’t, you’ll end up arguing for an hour, only to end up saying, exhausted, “What are we even arguing about?” Table other issues for another time.

You shall claim your crap.

If crap feels like an inappropriate word to you, then I’ve chosen wisely, since we sometimes do inappropriate things in marriage. Whatever percentage of this situation is yours to own, own it. That humility lowers the temperature in the room and leads to powerful momentum in your marriage. “Confess your sins to each other” (James 5:16).

You shall not text/stream/game and talk

You’ve likely heard that most communication is nonverbal and screens are insanely addictive. Communicating emotions requires our full attention and nonverbal cues.

If your spouse is on a screen, ask when a good time would be to talk, rather than launching into something big while they are trying to relax. If you are the one on the screen, say, “Could this wait ten minutes so I can give you my full attention?”

Avoid “always,” and never say “never.”

When you’re frustrated and want to win, you tend to exaggerate. But when you exaggerate, your spouse will turn defensive. And the fight continues.

If you say, “You never pay attention,” he will, without a doubt, search his mental hard drive for every time he did pay attention to you to defend himself. Take the humbler and more honest road by saying, “I’m feeling frustrated about this because this isn’t the first time it has happened.” This is a way for you to “[speak] the truth in love,” as God commands (Ephesians 4:15).

You shall pick your battles.

Given the sheer quantity of time you two spend together, you will have countless reasons to correct your spouse, from work/life balance to how to load the dishwasher. But positive interactions must outweigh the negatives.

There are times for honest, sit-down-and-hash-it-out conversations, but let them be few. Let your praise, encouragement, and support be many. Pick your battles, because “love is patient” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

You shall resist your OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder).

When criticism comes your way, you will be tempted to compare obsessively. “You think I can be insensitive? What about the time when you . . . ?!”

You may be right, but you are picking the wrong time to address your spouse’s issues. If they have expressed a frustration to you, it’s not time to keep score. It’s time to listen, grasp the heart of their frustration, and discover a workable solution. “[Love] is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

You shall talk at the foot of the cross.

The greatest thing about being a Christian couple is that Jesus is at the center of your marriage. His cross casts its shadow of grace over your home. His mercy is “new every morning,” and his love will be waiting for you at the end of every night (Lamentations 3:23).

Save Your Marriage with Communication

My coworker/friend has a framed version of these ten commandments on her desk. She told me that they saved her marriage. Their disagreements used to be destructive, as they both tried to win at all costs.

But today, by God’s grace, their marriage is different because their communication has been transformed. I pray you follow these same commandments and enjoy an even better marriage.