Is There Truth in “Boys Will Be Boys”?
I’m not sure if you’ve been a parent or an aunt or an uncle or an educator, but there is something about boy energy, is there not? There’s something distinct about the way that God has designed boys and the way that God has designed girls. I want to talk to you about that today because there’s this phrase floating around in our culture, you probably heard of it before, that says, “Boys will be boys.” And as a Christian, I’ve been thinking a lot about that phrase. I think you’d be foolish to dismiss it too quickly, as if it just comes from pure ignorance and has no actual lived experience. There’s a kernel of truth in there that — especially in our culture — we need to think about really deeply. And at the same time there’s a lot of dangers in a statement like that: spiritual dangers, dangers for our families and for our church. So I want to take that little phrase and just examine it, turn it around a few times, and see what is really good and beautiful and biblical about it. How should we think of men and women, boys and girls? And then, what danger should we avoid so that we can become the kind of church that God wants us to be?
So if you’re taking notes, let’s jump into the deep end right away. I want you to write down the kernel of truth in the statement — here it is, it took me a long time to figure this out. Write this down: “Boys are boys.” On the very first page of the Bible, we read that in the beginning God did not create humans generically. The Bible says that God created us male and female, and it’s not just gender. And I’m speaking in stereotypes today; you’re going to have to get comfortable with that. But isn’t it true that there’s a stereotypical way that we are as we get older compared to when we’re younger? That there’s a hard-won wisdom and experience and sometimes pessimism and realism as we get older. And there’s just this youthful naivety but optimism and hopefulness. Most change and reformation happens with young people who believe the world can be changed instead of crusty old people who think it’s never going to change because, “I’ve gotten this far and haven’t seen it happen.”
The Two Dangers: Excuses and Impatience
But although boys are boys and older people are older people and teenagers are teenagers, there are some really powerful and even sinful dangers that we need to be aware of today. Here’s the first danger I want you to think about: it’s the excuses that happen. In fact, if I just shared the phrase “boys will be boys,” I have a hunch you interpret that as an excuse. It’s a free pass. If I said, “Why did your son hit my daughter in the face?” — you know, boys will be boys. “Why are these boys scrolling Instagram girls on their phones?” — you know, boys will be boys. “Why did he jump off the back of the shed into the pool?” — well, boys will be… I cannot find in the Bible a passage that says, “you shall not” with an asterisk at the end where the footnote says, “unless you happen to be a boy.”
It’s true that women are often more verbal and concerned about relationships. But that never excuses female gossip or the cliques that happen in too many middle schools and grown-up circles. Violence and aggression, lust and anger are never put to the side in the Word of God. We must not excuse something, even if it’s common among us. So if I’m an aging man, I don’t get a free pass to sin. I’m still called to live a holy and obedient life as I follow Jesus.
But then there’s this other danger — maybe you haven’t thought enough about it — and that danger is impatience. This is the opposite of excusing your own stereotypical sins; it’s when you pounce on someone else’s. When you look at a bunch of women and say, “Well, just stop it.” When you look at younger people and say, “Why do you do that?” — as if it’s just like a light switch that people in other demographics should be able to flip. This actually happens all the time. I play in a co-ed soccer league. As you can probably imagine, 82% of the complaints to the referee come from men like me. I remember one time at halftime the girls on our team said, “What’s up with you guys? Just stop it. Just stop yelling. Just play for fun.”
I’ve never thought that thought in my entire life. But I’m a man who’s outnumbered three to one in my home, and there are sometimes I don’t understand all the female dynamics of high school — I’m listening and thinking, I’m just going to go to the bathroom for a while so I don’t get myself in trouble. It’s so easy to think the solutions are simple. We have to be so careful that older people don’t jump on younger Christians because they lack experience, or that younger Christians don’t jump on older people who seem stuck in their ways. We have to be careful that as men and women we don’t turn on each other in impatience, thinking it should be so much easier for you to change than it is for me. It’s complicated.
God has brought us together as a church. He’s going to bring together men and women in relationships, older saints and younger ones in local congregations. And how do we not excuse our own sins or jump on each other? How do we live as the family God wants us to be? That’s what God is going to help us with today.
What Paul Says to Each Generation
Now, I’m so excited to share with you the scriptures today because there’s this really unique part at the end of the New Testament where the Apostle Paul is trying to direct the growth of a Christian church. But it’s one of the rare places where instead of saying here’s how all Christians should live, he actually segments his teaching — he wants to speak to older men, then older women, then younger women, then younger men. He’s kind of assuming that different Christians in different stages of life will have different struggles and different sins. And today, Paul, with great wisdom and tact, is going to teach us how to be the best diverse church that we can be.
So let’s dive into this teaching. It’s in Titus 2, and it begins with this general statement. Paul says to this young pastor Titus:
“You, however, must teach what is appropriate to sound doctrine.” — Titus 2:1
That’s the big goal. But now he segments things.
“Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.” — Titus 2:2
Some of you know that this is so hard in the culture in which we live. What most men want more than anything in the world is to be respected. To be dismissed, to be belittled is venom in our veins. But what happens as you age as a man? You start to pass the peak of your respect. You start to get desperate, frustrated, and angry.
We live in a world where technology is changing so fast. You ever seen an old guy who gets really ticked at the latest technological change? He’s not happy about it changing. He’s not like, “Wow, what a blessing for my grandkids.” He’s ticked and mad and thinks it’s stupid. So as the world changes and as we feel like we’ve lost a step, it is so easy to become the stereotypical grumpy old man — to lecture and not listen, to talk about all the changes that are so bad and “the kids these days,” instead of to recognize all the change that’s been really good. And the more we give in to that stereotype, the less people care about what we think. The angrier we get, the more people don’t want to hear what we have to say. And what’s even worse is that we live in a culture where there are whole news channels devoted to making old men mad — not to calm them down, but to rile them up. So the first person that gets in the decibel range of their anger, they’ll get it.
I’ve been a pastor for 18 years. By far my worst and most frequent critics have all been old men. I deserve a lot of criticism, and I’ve gotten some from men and women, old and young. But do you know who sits down and rants in front of the keyboard? Old men. Do you know who’s written seven-page papers and sent them to those who oversee my ministry? They’ve all been old men. I don’t know if it’s testosterone, a competitive thing, a gender difference that cares more about being right than restoring a relationship — but Paul, who loves the church so deeply, says, “Titus, you’ve got to teach old men to take a breath, to be temperate, to be worthy of respect and to be self-controlled.”
A Word to Older Women
Which brings us to group number two.
“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” — Titus 2:3
Of all the things Paul could say about aging Christian women, he warns about two: slander with their words, and addiction to wine. At first that confused me. I thought, “Isn’t alcohol a bigger struggle for younger people — the sorority life, the frat boy?” But my wife said something really brilliant. She said, “Well, if you’re a young mom raising three kids, you don’t have the energy to be hungover. If your baby’s waking up at 3:00, you do not want a pounding headache.”
Sometimes the responsibilities of a young, busy life will keep you from overindulging. But you know what often happens as women age and the responsibilities of parenting lessen? They turn, especially with friends, to bonding in ways that do not produce good behavior. It’s becoming a common trend for older women to critique younger women. We talked to a young mom after our first service about this very thing — the food she feeds her kids, the way she parents. She’s in the trenches trying to raise littles and stay alive, and she feels the judgment of the older women who have nothing better to do than critique her parenting. Young moms should know that you have some growth in parenting to do, and sometimes older moms will see it. But if the attitude they feel is not one of unity and camaraderie but judgment and competition, then we have missed what Paul wants the church to be.
He says, “Teach older women to live reverently, to not be pulled away by judgmental words or drunkenness, but to teach what is good.” It’s such a beautiful thing when an older woman who has learned from both her good choices and her bad ones has some wisdom to offer — which brings us to the young women.
A Word to Younger Women
“Then these older women can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” — Titus 2:4–5
Paul’s bringing it today. I love where he starts. Younger women aren’t always married. Some younger women will be like Jesus or the Apostle Paul and never be married. Some of you are not mothers yet, some of you never will be, and that’s okay. But in our culture, 75 to 85% of women will eventually be wives and mothers. And maybe that’s why Paul begins here — that one of the best things a woman can do is love her husband and her children.
He gets specific on how that works. He says you have to be self-controlled and pure. The devil hates what God creates, and God created marriage — so the devil is coming at it. He uses the visual stimuli in a man’s design to attract him to a million images his wife can never compete with, and he uses the relational love in a woman’s heart to draw her to the kind of literature that her husband can never compete with.
Paul also says to be busy at home. If there’s one group of people in our church who are busy at home, I think of young women. You’re going on a vacation — husband and wife with kids — what does the wife do? She’s got the diaper bag, the bags for the kids, the backup, the peanut butter. What does the guy do? Puts on pants, maybe. So why would Paul say you’ve got to teach younger women to be busy at home? Because it’s so easy in any culture for a wife and a mother to be busy with the thing that will not make her home the most blessed — so busy with the list she’s created that she’s totally lost sight of what makes her husband and children truly feel loved and respected.
Paul controversially says wives must be subject to their husbands. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re a doormat. It doesn’t mean you are inferior. This means that God has called a man to be like Jesus, to lead with humility and sacrificial love — that wives must express their opinions, make their views known, but then yield to their husband’s leadership. Make your home the kind of place that a husband runs to and not from, where the garage and the bar and the sports league are nothing compared to the love and respect and joy he gets at home.
This is not easy. None of this is easy. But Paul knows that it is so good. You will need the help of older women to guide you through it, to save you from the ditches and pitfalls. This is why Paul says older women — we need you sober and self-controlled to teach younger women what makes the happiest kind of home life.
A Word to Young Men
And then we get to the young guys. This is my favorite verse of all.
“Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.” — Titus 2:6
That’s it. Period, end of story. It’s like, “Bro, I know you’re thinking it — don’t.” This is all young men need to know. I know your foot’s on the gas, but let’s pull out the map first. Young men are so passionate to do something, to be someone. And Paul wants to slow young guys down until they lean into wisdom, until they think about relationships.
Paul wasn’t thinking of this when he wrote these words 2,000 years ago, but I’m thinking about video games. There were two pivotal moments in my journey to manhood that have to do with video games. The first: I’m 25, I’ve been playing games ever since I can remember. I got an Xbox, I’m an intern at a church in Western Wisconsin, playing this amazing game some of you might remember called “Oblivion.” Oblivion was the first game I ever played that kept track of how many hours you played it. I got to the end of one week — I’m a married man with a full-time job. Do you know how many hours I played that game? Forty. Forty. My Xbox was my full-time job.
Fast forward a few years. God blesses me and Kim with a beautiful daughter, Brooklyn. She’s learning how to walk. I can picture it — I’m in front of the TV playing Guitar Hero on Xbox, the old school where the cord connects to my guitar, and Brooklyn, who’s just learning to walk, toddles right through the cord and pulls it out. So you know what I did? I yelled at her. I yelled at her. And I knew it was time to become a man. It’s time to set down the thing that might not be wrong but matters so little. It is time to devote the biggest chunks of my time to the things that I will not regret 30 years from now. It is time to invest in other people.
What makes someone great? It’s not how far they can drive a golf ball. It’s not what they can do in Minecraft or Fortnite. What makes a man great is the way he humbly serves the way that others have been served. In a culture where the average young man will play video games for ten hours and spend one hour a week with his Bible open and his hands folded in prayer, it is time for many of us as men to grow up.
It’s not a sin to have a controller in your hand, but be careful that it does not lead you to a lack of self-control. You young guys want to compete? Don’t compete against pixels — compete against the Prince of Darkness. You want to fight the big boss? Then go to war against Satan and resist him so that you never go back to pornography, and confess that to trusted brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ. You want to do something impressive? Don’t screenshot your latest score — instead, serve the poor. Make women feel safe in your presence because you’ve made a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully at another woman until the day that you die. If I could push a button and rewind my life, I’d go back to being 15 and devote my life to things that matter most. It took me too long to find it, but I’ve learned what real men do, how real men help, and how real men serve. So maybe Paul didn’t have to say a lot — “Encourage the young men to be self-controlled.”
What This Church Could Look Like
Can you imagine if we actually could do this? What would our church culture look like if we had a bunch of old men who were not angry and grumpy, but worthy of respect and sources of wisdom? What would happen if the older women in our church never slandered younger women or had one glass of wine too many, but were amazing examples and mentors? What would happen if the young women at our church saw what mattered and busied themselves with the things that make them blessed? And what would happen if the young men would be self-controlled to live a godly life?
What would happen if we all took a deep breath and took Titus 2 to heart? What if all of us — older, younger, male or female — meditated on these words, prayed and sought accountability, and became these kinds of Christians? I don’t know, but I’d sure like to find out. And that’s why God wants to help us today.
The Grace That Makes It Possible
There’s one last thing that Paul wants to say, and it’s about how God’s love and grace helps us become these kinds of people — and forgives us when we fall short.
“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. That grace teaches us to say ‘no’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope — the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” — Titus 2:11–14
What teaches you to live this kind of life? What makes you eager to be this kind of man or woman? The short answer is the grace of God that saved you. Why do we love to talk about Jesus in our church — his promises and not just his commandments? Why do we have a towering cross in our church? The symbol not of things you have to do, but of what Jesus did for you. It is because the love of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.
The forgiveness of God does not play favorites. God’s grace is not sexist or ageist. Some of you women might have been dismissed in life because you weren’t a man — but God never treats women like that. He loves and forgives female sins as much as he does men. Some of you might be dismissed because you’re so young and inexperienced, or so old and past your prime. But God does not care about your age. The grace of God appears, and it offers salvation to all people.
May you become what Paul says here — a people that are God’s very own, eager to do what’s good. I pray for our good and for the glory of God that it may be so.
Let’s pray.
Oh God, it is easy to say these things. It is much harder to do them and to help people with them. And so I pray for myself as a pastor — that I don’t just open my Bible to drop bombs on people’s behavior, but that I walk alongside them to shepherd them with great patience and careful instruction.
I pray for our church family, God. None of us is an army of one. All of us need older, younger brothers and sisters to grow up into the maturity that you long for us to find. And so I pray, perhaps more than anything, for your Spirit to create community — for no one who is here, no one who is watching online or listening at home, to think that they have to do this alone.
There are some big changes here, God. For some of us it’s alcohol, for others it’s distraction, for some it’s lust, for others it’s controlling behavior. Whatever it is, God, I pray that we would never stick our heads down and fold our hands in prayer and think it’s just you and us — but instead that we would open our hands to the people around us. This church that you have created for support and encouragement, pastors who can teach us, brothers and sisters who can help us.
God, we do not want to be like this world. The current moves fast and there are sneaky lies that are easy to believe. We want to be sanctified, set apart, and holy, that we could be a light in this really dark world. So thank you for speaking hard truth to us. May it create in us tender, soft hearts that look a lot like Jesus. It’s in his name that we pray all these things, amen.
