When “Normal” Looks Strange From the Outside
A couple years ago, I had the privilege of studying Spanish in Buenos Aires, Argentina to work on my Spanish for three and a half weeks. And during one of the class breaks, my afternoon teacher, whose name was Jose Luis, asked me a question he had been curious about, a rumor that he had heard about American culture, about my culture. Here’s his question: “Pastor Mike, is it true that in America an 18-year-old will leave his father and leave his mother, and leave his brothers and leave his sisters, and leave most, if not all of his friends just to attend a college so he can get the preferred education and make more money? Is this true?” And I said, “Uh, well it sounds bad when you say it like that.” I couldn’t get that conversation out of my head. What seemed so normal to me, what I did when I was 18, what many of you did during your formative years — to him that was baffling. Why would you leave so much of your support network? Why would you leave your most important relationships, your closest friends, your dearest family at such an important stage of your life?
I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and I want to talk to you about that today — about the intersection of your priorities, your family, and your Christianity. About how your connection with your parents or your siblings, or if you’re married your spouse, if you have children, with your children, with nieces, nephews, grandchildren, cousins. What does the Bible have to say about such things? What would Jesus say to people like me, and people who live in a culture like this? I want to talk to you today about where family fits into the most important parts of your life. Because you only have so much time and so many minutes in your day, you only have so much energy in your body, so many dollars and resources to invest — where does family fit into that limited list? And I want to talk to you about that today because the older I get and the more I study, the more I’m totally convinced that family matters more than most of us assume.
Why Family Matters More Than We Think
We get so busy — you know, your family is your family, your brother is your brother — that you can forget that those who look back on the important things in life are telling us, from the other side, how much family matters. Have you ever heard about the Harvard study of adult development? Harvard’s been conducting the study on human health and happiness since 1938, getting close to their 90th year anniversary, and what they have found is that when you look at someone’s health, when you look at their life satisfaction, their overall happiness, it does not come down to the job they have, the money they make, the economic status they reach. What people say, what Harvard has found, is that health and happiness almost always comes back to a singular thing: relationships. People who have rich, deep relationships with family and friends get to the end of life and say, “That was a good life.” And people who don’t speak back with deep and profound regret.
That’s what Bronnie Ware discovered. Any of you heard of her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying? Bronnie was a nurse from Australia who was by people’s bedsides as they were taking their last breaths. She had sat there in hundreds of different cases, so she got to hear what people were grateful for, what people were proud of, and what people regretted as they looked back on life. And one of the top five regrets was not spending enough time with family. In the moment, work seems so urgent, but as they were dying, they realized it wasn’t quite that important. Those same old faces that they had seen a thousand times on the other side of the dinner table felt less than urgent — but people who were dying said, “Oh, I wish I would’ve known they were so important.” In other words, dying people wish they could be you. Wish they could rewind to a stage in life when they were 61 or 55 or 17 or 8 and make different choices with their limited time. Family matters so much. It matters to God; it matters to human satisfaction and happiness. I want to make sure you don’t undervalue your family because you will find out in time how much your family truly matters.
But this isn’t going to be a short sermon — warning. And the reason is because a bunch of you are thinking something as soon as I mention the word “family”: that family is super complicated, isn’t it? Just spend more time with your family. Be closer to your family. I can say that kind of easily, but in real life, family is crazy complex. Actually, I think compared to friendships, family is a billion times harder. I can pick my friends — they come and they go. You were my friend in middle school but not in high school. You stood up at my wedding but now we’ve lost touch. But family isn’t like that. Families are families. Your brother is your brother, your mom is your mom, and you have to work through profound strengths and weaknesses in your own character to have a long-lasting and happy family.
For some of you, family’s complicated just because of American busyness. You’re busy, you’re in the heart of life, you have work, deadlines to meet, an email inbox with 571 emails waiting to be read. So just to find time for your brother, to pick up the phone and call your mother, is a huge challenge. For some of you, it’s your family’s busyness — you would love to get together for dinner, you would love to connect more over the holidays, but they’re always running to some tournament and everyone’s so busy. And for others of you, busyness is the least of your problems. It’s a past sin or a dysfunction, or maybe even a toxic or abusive situation that makes this nearly impossible to apply. So what are we going to do with family? That’s the question I want to wrestle with today.
What the Bible Says About Caring for Family
“But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” — 1 Timothy 5:4,8
You can pick up your socks now. Can you believe that? If you would ask the Apostle Paul, “Paul, is there anything worse than not believing in Jesus? Is there anything more offensive to God than denying the cross of his Son?” — He says it’s someone who claims to be a Christian but does not care deeply about their relatives and their own household. Not just spouse and children, but the relatives that God has given them.
Paul is so convinced that family should be an essential part of the Christian faith. If you have a widow in your family, if you’re the grandson or the daughter, he says, “You should learn to put your religion into practice by caring for your family.” That’s so amazing to me — that the Christian religion is not just about church, it’s also about home. It’s not just about taking notes on sermons and singing songs. To put the Christian religion into practice is, quote, “by caring for your own family.” Paul says this is pleasing to God. When you take care of grandma as she is dying, this is Christianity. When you’re in the midst of your career and you pick up the phone and call your mom and listen to the ups and downs of her life, this is Christianity. To love your family, to care for them — this is not on the periphery; it’s not extra credit Christianity. This is putting the Christian religion into practice.
When you use your time and your money to care for generations of your family, Paul is saying, this is so important. To become a Christian doesn’t mean you step away out of your home and just spend all day in a church. It’s that you come to church so that you can learn to love your home better than you ever have before.
Addition by Subtraction: Making Room for What Matters Most
In my life, I’ve had so many pivotal moments where I’ve realized that to have a great family, to stay close to my parents, to have a rockstar marriage with my wife, to be a dad who doesn’t look back with regret, I’ve had what I would like to call a journey of addition by subtraction. Because I don’t have extra hours than you do — the only way I’ve been able to add really strong relationships is by being honest enough to say I’m going to have to subtract some good thing from my life.
I’ve told many of you this story: when I was a brand-new pastor, married, no kids, my home pastor really encouraged me to ask my church leadership how many hours I should work at church. At first I thought this was terrible advice. But he said, “Mike, you don’t want to be the pastor that looks back and has to fake it in marriage. You don’t want to be that old guy that knows Hebrew and Greek but hasn’t been good in his own home. Preaching sermons is not just the thing that’s pleasing to God — caring for your own family is too.” And that’s cost me, to be honest. There’s ministry that I could’ve done that I didn’t do. There were people I could’ve served that I didn’t serve. There were sermons that could have been better. But I had to subtract being the best pastor I could be so I could be a great husband at home.
And then the kids came. That’s so hard because friends say, “Do you want to hang out?” And soccer teammates say, “Hey, can you sub for us on the Sunday night league?” I’ve had to subtract things that I care about to add things that I care about more. And I just want to tell you that you are as human as I am — whether you have one kid or seven, you’re only going to have so much time and energy in your life. I would encourage you to prioritize the things that are closest to the heart of God: the parents he’s given you, the relatives that you have, and for some of you, the marriages and children he has entrusted into your care.
Some of you have seen this before — this is the jar that represents how many weeks I have until my firstborn daughter’s high school graduation. I remember when I filled this thing up for the first time, and now the number of weeks I have left until she graduates is 49. It dawned on me that the average American dies between age 75 and 80, which means that statistically, either Kim’s mom, or my mom, or my dad have about this many weeks left too. Can I tell you this — as sobering as this is as a father, how fast the time has gone — as I count down these last marbles, by the grace of God, I do so with no regret. I had wise and bold leaders who told me at just the right age to prioritize the things that matter most. And although I will be sad to see my children leave my home, I don’t think I should have worked less. Someone taught me so young to prioritize God and then family, and by his grace and his mercy, I’ve come close.
So I just want to pass that wisdom on to you. If you need to cut back, if you’re going to miss the promotion, if you have to drop out of the league — it is so worth it if you can look your spouse in the eye, if you can say, “Man, I’ve broken bread with my mother or father constantly. I invested time in these children. I discipled them well.” This is one of the best things you will ever do as a human being. Life is limited. Can I urge you to prioritize what matters more in the eyes of God?
So what would you do? If family has slipped because you’re scrolling, you’re playing, you’re working — if you wanted to move family up on your list of priorities, what would change? Could you start a family text thread and check in each day so busy schedules don’t get the best of you? If you’re dating or married, could you plug a time to connect into your calendar, even if it’s just a few walks around the block? Is it a vacation you put on the calendar before the summer gets passionately busy? Is it a meal with your brother or sister even if it’s just once a month?
I don’t know what it is, but here’s why I’m so excited for you today. All the life-changing habits in my life didn’t exist until they did. Kim and I did not do a Friday date night from the first Friday we met — and then someone told us. I read a book or heard a sermon and one decision was like the domino that led to this really healthy relationship that I’m so grateful for. As I was praying this morning, I was praying for you that for some of you, this would be the moment when you don’t let the busyness carry you away in the rush of American wildness. You build a habit into your calendar that a year, or five, or ten, or forty from now is going to give you the best family that you could possibly have. Hear God saying to you: you should learn to put your religion into practice by caring for your own family. For this is pleasing to God.
The Warning: Don’t Love Your Family Too Much
But as you think about what you could do to stay more closely connected, be careful — be careful that you don’t love your family too much. The Bible has warnings about undervaluing your family, but the Bible also offers caution against overvaluing your family. It is possible to turn your closest loved ones into the idols that you worship — idols that mess with your eternal joy and your relationship with God. Jesus himself taught this in Matthew 10:
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” — Matthew 10:37–39
So why does he need to give us this teaching? Because in those moments when you have to choose between your faith and your family, it will feel like death — like you’re losing part of the life that you wanted. To put God first will sometimes feel like you are carrying a cross and crucifying the comfortable part of your heart. Has this ever happened to you, where you felt like you had to choose between family and faith?
I know some of you who are watching at home, some of you here in our church today, are kind of new to Christianity. You’re so excited about it. You can’t wait to learn more about the Bible. You’re following Jesus for the first time, understanding the grace of God that you’re forgiven at the cross by his blood as a gift. And you try to bring that message home — maybe to your parents — but they don’t share your excitement. They question it, they wonder if something’s wrong with it. A young woman who’s new to our church told me that one of her family members has called our church a cult. Yeah, sometimes you’re so excited to go to church and you get the cold shoulder. Sometimes you want to talk about Jesus with your sister and it just gets unnecessarily awkward.
Maybe you’re in a relationship and you want to come to church every Sunday because you’re just a sponge for the things of God, but the person you’re married to drags their feet, tries to keep you at home, thinks you’re wasting your time. You’re married but spiritually single because you have to choose between your faith and your family. Maybe you’re pumped up to care for the poor like Jesus did, but you’re married to someone who doesn’t want to give — they just want to save and spend. Or you’re raising a kid who would rather wake up at 11:44 and watch 44 straight TikToks than listen to a 44-year-old man talk for approximately 44 minutes. There are times when it’s so hard to follow Jesus because your family isn’t excited about following Jesus.
And Jesus knows that in that moment you’re going to have to choose. Who’s most worth it? Who’s will will be done? What relationship do you care about the most? And he says: be careful. When those moments come, some people put family first. Some people’s family turns into their idolatry — they put down the cross and would rather be comfortable at home than confess that Jesus Christ is worthy to be loved the most. Someone once asked Jesus, “What’s the most important commandment?” You know his answer? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second most important commandment is like it: love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus is telling us that family matters, but not first, not most, not the best.
I hope it doesn’t happen to you. I hope your siblings and your spouse, your children and your parents applaud the things that Jesus applauds. But if they don’t, can I encourage you to stand up to them by standing up for Jesus? To disappoint them so that you don’t disappoint Jesus. To follow him first, believing that he’s absolutely worth it. Do it with gentleness and humility and respect. But please do not let family become your idol. Don’t put family first. Because I want my girls to know that the best thing in the universe is not their father’s love — it’s God’s love. As great as we try to be to them, we are nothing next to the God who is the best kind of family.
Why God Is the Best Family You’ll Ever Have
Think of it. Your daughter did not die for you, but your God did. Your spouse cannot save you, but your God can. Your earthly father cannot forgive you of your sins, but your Father in Heaven absolutely can. Even if you have the best kind of family here on earth, the marbles are going. Your father might forget you. He might pass on. Your beloved kids might grow up and become so independent that they forget to call home like most sons and daughters do. But you know what God does? He is always there for his family. Jesus taught us to pray “Our Father in Heaven” — a Father who will never leave us and never forsake us. A Father who is the same yesterday and today and forever. He never grows old. You never call up God in prayer and he’s too busy, or his voicemail inbox is full, or he responds with crabbiness instead of compassion. He is the perfect Father.
The book of Ephesians says that the concept of family derives its name from God. The connection that you want to have is because that’s how God is. The reason we love God most is because he loved us first. He is our rock. A God who, when we were just sinners, loved us so much that Jesus died so that we could be adopted into his family. God is faithful. As people in our lives come and go, God is constant — he will never say goodbye. And God is so filled with love that he never sins against us, not even once. God will never leave us behind. He’ll never grow old. You’ll never sit in front of a gravestone that says “God.” He is the life, and the best part of your life is knowing that he is constantly there for you.
God First, Family Second
So where should you put family in your life? Here’s what the Bible would tell us: put family second. Caring for your family is so important. Don’t let it slip to third, behind your career, or fourth, behind your hobbies, or fifth, behind your friends. This is the Christian religion — put it into practice by prioritizing your family. But never first, never most, never best. That belongs to the God who adopted you into his family in the name of Jesus. I know you’re busy, but think about God, think about your family, put your family second. They matter so much. And put God first because he first loved you. God then family, in that order.
Let’s pray.
God, thank you so much for the gift of family. We’re so used to our brothers and sisters and catching up with our parents or packing lunches for the kids that we forget how much of this matters. That people who don’t have such blessings have so many more struggles. Thank you for all of us who have been blessed by family. Help us to not take that gift for granted. And thank you God that when family is complicated — when parents abandon us, when siblings are too busy for us, when kids keep their distance from us — that you are the family that stays close because of the blood of Jesus. Thank you that you are and always will be our Father. Thank you, Jesus, that you are a big brother who is filled with compassion, strength and kindness. Thank you that the Holy Spirit is an ever-present help in our trouble. We are so grateful that we are part of the family of God. Maybe there’s not anyone looking in our direction for romance, but you call us the Bride of Christ, dearly beloved, because of what happened 2,000 years ago at the cross.
Now, God, I pray for wisdom. It’s a little bit easier to choose between good and bad things than it is to choose between best and good things. So give us the kind of spiritual wisdom to know what we have to say no to, so that we can say yes to the things that matter most to you. Give us the kind of long-term vision to see a year or ten or fifty from now what will matter more, so that we don’t miss out on what matters the most. Help us to seek your kingdom first, and after that to work hard to have the best family that we can. Give us patience, give us wisdom, give us tact, help us to know how to do it well. That in the future, God, we look back without regrets, but instead with great gratitude for the guidance that we have found in your word. We pray these things in the name of your Son, our big brother Jesus — and all God’s people said, Amen.
